Taking a trip is exciting. Taking a six-hour trip is entertaining. Taking a six-hour trip with six kids is hands down exhausting. From packing and seating arrangements to eating and entertaining, every step is crucial in ensuring that everyone is not only happy but, more importantly, that everyone will emerge from the car alive.
The first step to an enjoyable trip is to pack smartly. In a large Ford Excursion SUV, there is minimal trunk space, therefore it is necessary to maintain luggage to a bare minimum. One overnight bag per person. Keep the heavy items on the bottom, such as the cooler and duffel bags and the lighter, smaller items, like pillows or teddy bears on top. Make sure the cooler is in easy reach, though. When it is time to pass out drinks, it is vital that nobody touches anyone’s pillow. Their hands might be dirty, or they might have germs and make the person who sleeps on that pillow sick, or they might spill Coke on the teddy bear. In this instance, the mother will be obliged to pour the last bottle of water on the sticky bear and try to dry it off with her jacket. This will in turn upset the oldest daughter because she hates Coke and only drinks bottled water, resulting in driving to the first available convenience store to restock the cooler. This brings us to our next point.
Make frequent rest stops. Preferably every 30 minutes or so. And under no circumstance are you to visit the sanitation-forsaken gas stations with one stall bathrooms that look to have never been clean in their existence. The mother cannot stand to walk in those restrooms, let alone use one and besides, it smells. The McDonald’s restrooms will do just fine, plus, you can fuel up the wife and kids with Happy Meals. When Mother Nature calls and there are no McDonald’s restaurants in sight, just wide open space, the children might be so inclined as to ‘visit Mrs. Murphy’ as Mr. Gilbreth of Cheaper by the Dozen so eloquently phrased it.
After the kids have eaten and all have visited the restrooms, it is time to rotate the seating arrangements. The father still drives, but the mother now moves to the very back to read to the youngest and, hopefully, lull him to sleep. She also has a prime view of Child #3 and can deal out punishment accordingly. The oldest son moves to the passenger seat next to the father and is awarded the position of ‘Navigator’. All should
go well for about an hour until the ‘Navigator’ concludes that he has been reading the map upside down. The ‘Navigator’ is now relocated to the back with the mother and sleeping child. The two middle boys should, at all costs, be seated on either side of the daughter so as not to disturb the driver. Or any other driver passing by for that matter. With making faces, holding up ‘HELP!’ signs and hurling objects out the window, it proves to be very distracting. Convincing the policeman who pulled you over that you are, in fact, on vacation, not kidnapping six children and smuggling them over the border, is somewhat distracting. Child #3 should rotate seats as much as possible. He is rather jumpy and tends to “not” touch his neighbor. His neighbor then “not” pokes him back. After an exchange of “not” slapping and “not” shoving, it is time for Child #3 to transfer.
It is also vital to keep the kids entertained. Books of any kind will do just fine for the oldest son. The daughter can knit for hours on end and catch up on her beauty sleep. The two middle sons will wear out a 24 pack of batteries listening to “Jonathan Park” and “Adventures in Odyssey” on their portable cd players. Child #3, however, will sing. Loudly. The entire trip. Hymns, rock n’ roll, Christmas carols, and anything else that come to his mind. He might explain the reason to his serenading is because of the broken radio, but the father should assure him that the family really does prefer silence to singing.
When the family finally arrives at their destination, it is now time to check into a hotel. Finding one with a swimming pool and a continental breakfast would be an intelligent choice. After the check-in process, forgo the urge to unload the luggage or take a nap, but rather stop by the pool and take a dip with the kids. The parents should unwind in the bubbly, hot tub to relieve some of the stress that has been building up from
the long trip and the kids should exert every ounce of energy in the pool. This is to provide a quiet, peaceful night’s sleep to the parents.
As dawn breaks and the kids tumble out of bed the next morning with smiles on their faces, the parents can rejoice in the fact that they have successfully transported six children from house to motel and all are alive and well.
The journey home, however, is an entirely different matter.
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